I don’t know what I want…

And it sucks because if I did, I know that I could have it.  I get mad at people who are indecisive and fickle yet I’ve been single for the last three years… despite the fact that I crave a lover.  I’ve turned down a girl I loved for fear of losing her. I’ve hated people for hating me and I’ve doubted my faith, only to feel guilty about my questioning of it. Life is short and instead of living it the way my body compels me to, I waste it, trying to live how my mind convinces me to.  I like to think of myself as smart but none of the decisions I make seem to make me happy in the end. But at least I know that I am in the position to grab everything I could ever desire… all I have to do if find out what that is.